Battleship Grey

How come people at the dentist's office just don't listen?

To the 5 year old at the dentist today, who washed his hands with the Listerine, next time listen to your mom when she yells 'NoooOOO!!!". Yes, Listerine will sting those cuts little man.

To the self important business woman who kept trying to book a facial with multiple massage parlors, that just happen to fit into her "important and full schedule", next time read the sign that says "For the comfort of those in the waiting room, please turn off your cell phone or blackberry". Oh, and yes, we all heard you then whisper "Is there any students available to do it at a reduced rate?".

To the Hygienist that kept leaning on my face to get a better reach with your tool: Yes, for the last time, that hurts. My head was not meant to deform into the unnatural shape of your tool, particularly when the tip is pointing into my forehead.

Vivid moments

I found this scrawled in my journal. No date. No context. Spelling mistakes are included as written:

Had a dream last night. Very quniten terinteno.
Samari swords, escape from rooms.
‘come with me’ – followed into dark alleyways.

Then there was this one:

Break the glass - safety at the edges.
Get by the ****
Seal off from the virus.

Sometimes when I have vivid dreams, I try to write down the high points so I can remember them later. Occasionally I wake up and think “Man, that dream was a major motion picture type dream”. A few months ago I even dreamt a plot for a cool sci-fi movie, which is strange because I don’t like sci-fi movies.

Apparently with this one I must have thought it was just for a local film festival, or I would have written more. Maybe I can get optioned by Lions Gate Entertainment to do some writing.

Day 8 of my 40 day Marathon Training....

It has been 8 days since I decided to see if I can do a Marathon in 40 days. I have managed 4 runs and 1 bike, with my long one at about 16k. Looking at my past marathon schedules I was supposed to be doing a 30k run. I think my legs were happy I did the 16k.

This week I've got 2 short runs, 1 bike (for cross-training) and then shoot for a 20k next weekend.

For my alternate cross-training exercise I put up 550' of moulding in our new addition. As I was cutting and nailing up the moulding, I accidentally cut one too short, and had already nailed it up.

"Awww, Mother f..., I mean shoot!" I exclaimed, as I looked down from the ladder to see Little LP standing under me.

"Dad..." he drawled. "You said a bad word."

"What did I say?"

"You said 'shoot'. And that's bad. Unless you meant to say para-shoot!"

40 days to a Marathon

After another week on Hornby Island, this time with all my inlaws camping on our property, I have multiple posts ready to write. Future topics include:

"How my inlaws put the fun back in dysfunctional"

"How my friend's piece of frozen assturd got me out of spooning with my wife"

"How I got a woodie when making smores"

and my favorite:

"How we put the letter g back into camping"

But before that I have decided to throw the gauntlet down. Apart from a few sporadic 20k jaunts, I haven't really run for the past three years as I've been too tired. Yes, you read that right. I have been tired. For three frickin' years. I go for a run, and come home and need to sleep. I go ride, and come home and need to sleep. I go to work,and come home and need to sleep. Heck, some days I wake up from a sleep and need to go for a nap. This past month I came to the conclusion that, well, fuck it. If I am going to be tired I may as well be tired while actually training for something I can pull off. Something simple like training for a marathon in 40 days.

LP-ette told me tonight I was crazy. Actually, there was a verb in front of the word crazy (or is it a noun or an action verb?). I kind of agree, but then again I did an Ironman on a drunken bet, so there has to be some crazy in me somewhere. Here is my thory: I estimate in 40 days I can work about 6 to 8 shorter tempo runs, and 4 longer runs in. A few 20k's, a 25k and a 30k. If I can do that I am going for it.

So last week I ramped up with a 5k run, then a 12k around Helliwell Park. As I wound around the parks cliffside trails, enjoying the solo view, I was sold. Mind over matter, for 5 hours tops was all I could think. The next day I even managed a cross training 2 hour mountain bike ride. Who knew I would go to the dark side of biking to train in my 40 day window!

My motto will be "as long as the body holds up, I'll do it."



And if I finish, I can finally give that big black SUV the one fingered salute!

And for all the loving support I got along the way? I'll get my wife this shirt:


... and then I will probably go for a nap...

Check back for updates!

Those M&M’s have girth

Droopage. Girth. Tonight has been an evening of exploration.

“I have discovered the most amazing thing!” she exclaimed, eager to share her new discovery.

“As you know, we ran out of chocolate for our Smores, but…”. She hung onto her last words, looking us both in the eyes to ensure we were listening with rapt attention. “But… if you stuff the marshmallows with M&M’s and then roast them, you end up with a M&M infused Smore! Brilliant!”
Sandritia, having surprised us for a quick visit to Hornby Island on our holiday, was enjoying an evening campfire. Judging by her excitement, it had been awhile since her last campfire.

“What do you think!” she beamed. Like a new parent, she was looking for the accepting words that her newly created child was beautiful. And like the socially inept engineer-male I am, I decided to take this opportunity to tell it like it was. I looked over at her new creation of four marshmallows impaled on a stick, and studded with green and orange M&M’s, and simply answered “It has some good girth… “

Right behind me Logical Philosophette chimed in with a giggle, “…and droopage!”

Even through the glow of the fire embers, we could see both shock and disgust cross her face. “How can you have ‘girth’ and ‘droopage’ in the same sentence, describing the same thing at the same time? I mean, that’s just plain wrong.” She started shaking, the tip of the marshmallow stick exaggerating her movements. Hmm, nice fourier transformation of her movements to the tip of the stick I thought.

“Well technically it is both.” I stressed. “I am an engineer – don’t tell me what properties cannot co-exist. I mean, you rammed four marshmallows on the stick to roast, embedded another thirty or fourth M&M’s. I mean, once heated up gravity had to do something with all that weight.”

I was quickly rebuffed by the brilliant legal mind of Sandritia: “Girth brings visions of vigor. Droopage brings the reality of…well, reality. They can’t mix! It would be like Fabio hanging with the Golden Girls. Technically possible, but unimaginable!” she exclaimed, punctuating her words with her red hot marshmallow stick. It was, in her dictation style, technically a great use of a prop for her argument, but unimaginably inappropriate if she had meant to keep the seriousness of her appeal going.

And at that exact moment, gravity took hold and crossed the rubicon: The weight of the M&M’s pulled the warm marshmallow off the stick, the entire mass congealing onto the sandstone rocks surrounding the firepit. In an instant her prized delicacy had moved from Girth + Droopage, to Globular + Globular.

“Touché Counselor. Had you had one property of either Girth OR Droopage, you would still have a full stick. Now your stick is stuck with, well, I believe the scientific property you are looking for is ‘Globular’”

All I can say is thank goodness it was dark out as it allowed me to see and dodge the red hot stick being thrust in my direction.

My Blogging Mojo is Back...

I was up at the crack of dawn today - my bag packed for a quick hike around Helliwell Park. Arriving at the point, I sat. I contemplated. I sat some more. Even at the hour of 7am about 30 people jogged by my place of contemplation. All I could think of was "man, fit people get up early."

I got back home and pulled out my blog notebook. It had been well worn until this spring, and needed put away until it called.

I think I found my blogging mojo.

See you in a few days.

LP.

Crap! Going back again...

I had my France story written out, but then got delayed and now I am packing to go again. I have 4 suitcases this time - 3 of them filled with materials for the conference I am speaking at. That means 3 empty suitcases to come back with.

I am going cheese shopping on the way home. Anyone know the customs rules for bringing smoked meats back into Canada?

If all goes well there is going to be one big cheese party when I get back. I think I will have Air Canada status too, which means priority loading for my suitcase full of cheese. Sweet.

I think I need a sabbatical from work to get some of this blogging back into gear. Man, I can't wait for our summer to begin.