The Logical Philosopher

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Seinfeld meets the transvestite & the drunk

As promised last week I've got the story of the drunk & transvestite encounter....
So I'm sitting in the downtown library using their computers to type a post out and I hear the guy next to me muttering profanities at the computer screen. He was typing then backspacing, typing then backspacing, typing then backspacing.... after a few minutes of this he really leaned into it. BAM! WHAM! THWUMP! The sounds grew louder as he started to hit the keys harder, with more than a few people looking over to see what the noise is. Finally, after a frustrating "uggguuuuhhhh" escapes from his clenched teeth I hear him directing some commentary towards me.

"Hey man, can you help me out here? This shit for computer ain't workin'. I keep typin' and all I get is these big letters, unless I hold this shift thingie down all the time with one hand." Bing bing bing bing bing! We seem to have a winner here folks - he had that glazed over "it's almost but I'll start drinking anyhow" hollow look in his eyes...and given that I was thinking I didn't want to cause a scene in the library - I'd rather wait for a more seedy bar as it would make a better story.

I glance at his screen and the last half of his paragraph is all in caps. "Yeah, try this" I say as I reach over and quickly unlock his Caps Lock button, pushing a few keys after to make sure it was working right.

"Heyyyyy," he drawls, the idea light starting to glimmer in his eyes. "How'd you do that? I need to write that one there down." Ahhh, my good deed done for the day, another computer illiterate person saved from SHOUTING IN THEIR EMAIL'S ALL THE TIME.

My brief thoughts of computer superiority were shattered with a huge KA-WHUMP by the drunk at the end of the row, his head impacting the computer desk, bouncing off with his body spilling into the floor. He nonchantly pulled himself up, sitting back down and began moving the mouse around like he was working....even though the computer wasn't on.

The librarian looked over and contemplated getting up, but seemed to reconsider when the individual on my right jumped up. "Oh my," exclaimed she exclaimed "are you ok honey?" She got up to help, fussed over him then sat back down. "Did you see that?" she asked, turning to me. "What a shame. I hope it doesn't leave a mark." I was sitting there thinking I'm sure leaving a mark on his forehead was the least of his problems of the day. She turned back to the computer and then started to primp her hair in the computer screen reflection....and then I realized...holy crap - those were MAN HANDS! She was a HE! Maybe that's what Mr. Caps Lock was writing about when he got his button stuck!

Jerry: She had man hands.
Elaine: Man hands?
Jerry: The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.
Elaine: Would you prefer it if she had no hands at all?
Jerry: Would she have hooks?
Elaine: Do, uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?
Jerry: Kinda cool lookin'...

Man, if I was Seinfeld I would have an entire episode ready to go here: I was sandwiched between a transvestite and Mr. Caps Lock, all while a drunk was attempting to "use" the computers but really looking for a place to sleep while sitting up. At least he took the attention off Mr. Caps Lock, or was it Mrs. Man Hands? In the heat of the moment, It really was a hard choice to call. It was like having a mix of Kramer, George and someone Newman would bring over all in the room at the same time....

Definitely something I would have seen on Seinfeld, but after looking around I couldn't see a Superman toy anywhere...Maybe next time I'll write it into a script and pitch it to NBC.