The Logical Philosopher

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Callipygian doesn't fit into gift certificate envelopes

"So I was talking to J earlier tonight and her husband is going to get a gift card for a clothing store for Christmas" my wife says to me. "I think she was hinting to me to talk to you to talk her husband into getting something from the store that she can actually wear."

Within 2 sentences I knew I was going to be pulled somewhere I shouldn't be....
I'm sitting there thinking just because I have time to kill this season, has that made me a personal shopper? "I'm supposed to get involved in this? I don't think I have time..." I cautiously respond, looking for some visual cues of where not to venture next. What I am really thinking of saying is "I have one appointment tomorrow - between getting downtown, wandering around and watching people be busy, visiting Starbucks, having my appointment, visiting another Starbucks, thinking of what to blog and window shopping at the local strip club, how can you possibly expect me to have time to get involved?". This was one of those 'keep your inside voice inside you' moments I opted to go with.

"You should take him shopping for her, you've got the time." In retrospect I realized keeping my inside voice inside was probably a good choice at this point.

"...And just for the record you wouldn't buy me a gift card for Christmas...would you?" she says as she looks over, the beginning of "the look" starting to form. I'm sensing a trap at this point. My woman spider sense is starting to tingle...not a good sign.

"I don't think..." I started to say before she cut me off: "Because if you did...I'd be pissed."
At this point I realize I am at rubicon of this conversation....
This has the potential to go one of two ways - either I'm going to say something that, no matter how logically right will be so horribly wrong, or it will be the complete opposite. It's like playing blackjack in Vegas and standing after 2 cards - either the dealer will bust and I win, or the odds say I will probably loose. You would think I should know better, but oblivious to the dismal odds I decide a little knowledge for my gender is a good thing for all of us and I'm going for it...: "Wait", I protested, "I never get you gift cards...and besides, just so I know why would you be pissed?"

"Because, I'd buy the same things I always buy me - and when you shop for me you get me different things....that I normally wouldn't buy."

"Like what? The low cut, cleavage enhancing one-size-too-small shirts that you always complain brings attention to you chest? Ed and I think they make you look trendy and hot - are you saying you don't like them?" At this point time seems to slow down and the room goes deathly silent. There is no "sorry, not the right answer but I love you anyhow" optional ending to this discussion, it's all or nothing baby. If this fails I hope the rest of the guys realize I'm taking one for the team, and I'll need an immediate MediVac out of a hot LZ.

She tilted her head and thought for a moment. "No comment" she responded, giving a wink and walking out of the room with a slightly saucy wiggle.

Dealer goes bust! I think I'm going shopping tomorrow...and not for a gift card.