The Logical Philosopher

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Doctor's visit gone bad

There is no polite way to say this: I'm fucked.

I love a good fact I love it at least once a day, preferably in the form of a slurpee. If it's liquid, then include lots of ice and pour over a wedge of lime.

During my MBA Coke was the elixir of academic success - allowing me to do papers until 4am and still make it to class for 8:30 am (with a small Coke slurpee no less) while coherently presenting case studies. It was around 2am when my classmates would begin to show signs of fatigue. As if on cue they all would slowly shuffle out of the computer lab, the bags under their eyes melting into the dark of the early morning. Instead of following the crowd I would crack open a coke, quench my desire to sleep and then get back to writing.

I was a true regular at the slurpee store. Jaz, the owner of the 7-11 store close to campus, got to know me so well he stopped counting my change out and would just toss it right into the till. I think if I had gone another semester of daily visits I would have been invited over to his house for Christmas morning the day the store was closed. I think he thought I had nowhere else to go.

But today it all changed - My doctor wants me to go off caffeine for awhile. I don't drink tea, coffee or other caffeinated beverages so the slogan really is true: Coke is it. That puts my situation in the "I'm screwed" category. The unfortunate part is that my wife was present when he said this. THAT moves it up a notch to the "I'm Fucked" category. There is no middle ground on this platform.

There is a distinct difference between your doctor telling you not to do something in private, and having your spouse present so they are there to remind you about it when you want to indulge.

By late evening I was already in withdrawal. I was sweating and getting the shakes just looking at the Coke in the fridge. "Can I finish the two cokes we have chilling in the fridge?" I asked anxiously.

"No Coke!" she flatly stated. There was not even a trace of sweet suggestion in her voice. She was bound and determined to keep me on the coke up-and-up.

"One is a Coke Zero, no calories!" I pleaded.

"NO! It's not the calories, it's the caffeine!" By the escalating tone I'm pretty sure it was one of those non negotiable statements.

"Arggggghh!" I would have laid on the floor and pretended to have a seizure if it would have helped. However all I would have gotten is a "if you're going to foam at the mouth like that do it outside. I just finished cleaning." This was not an argument I could win in one evening.

About 20 minutes later she headed out to do some shopping...and as she left I heard from the front door "And NO COKE!"

At this rate I'm going to have the DT's by tomorrow. It's going to be a looooong month....and I'm sure you're all going to hear about it. So wish me luck, and if I go off the air for awhile, it's because I'm trying to get some kid to boot Coke for me outside the local 7-11.