I’ve had a headache and anxiety, both entrenched within a terrible case of general bitchiness for an entire week now…you know, that sweaty, anxious feeling you get when you’re in the middle of watching a great porn flick and the 78 year old Chinese neighbor abruptly shuts the blinds thereby ending the free show? Yeah, that kind. Those who have visited my house late at night know exactly what I am talking about.
“So how long has it been?” she asked. I think she had seen my shakes and the bleary eyes, along with the desperate look I gave as I glanced at the brown bottle from across the room.
“Monday….last Monday at 1:32 pm,” I flatly responded. No trace of emotion… I just didn’t have the energy. Although indoors, I still had my sunglasses on to block out the lights. From a distance I could have passed as Bono, but up close things were different … it wasn’t the cool factor, but rather the survival factor. They were just too bright to handle. Many things were just too hard to handle.
She continued on: “It’s probably good for you….all that sugar and caffeine. The doctor said it’s the caffeine, right?”
“Yeah…caffeine. But you know , there is a distinct difference between knowing it’s good for me and actually being on board with the realization.” Yes I launched the boat, but I am not really on board with this evening sail.
One of my friends knows I’m not supposed to be having caffeine now so when he opens a Coke he makes sure he’s next to me so I can hear the pfffft sound. The really cruel part is he now attempts to waft the smell of the sweet, caffeinated scent of the bottle towards me. Pure Evil. There is no other words.As for the reduced caloric intake, I’m just waiting to pull a Hurley moment from Lost: “And for the record, I'm down a notch on my belt. I'm a big guy. It's going to be a while before you're gonna wanna give me a piggyback ride, okay?"
If I don’t go down a notch soon, I’m heading straight back to 7-11 for a large coke slurpee. Damn the caffeine! If weight loss isn’t a side effect of this experiment, then I’m outta here and back on the Coke wagon.
Just one day at a time, but between you and me, I have a feeling by the end of the week my wife will find me bell-up on a couch at 3am, eyes wide open and my pupils fully dilated. I will be surreptitiously surrounded by empty Coke bottles and thinking about just staying up for the rest of the night. Will it be worth it
if when I get busted? Without a doubt.
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, or the start of Lent. Since I don’t observe Lent I normally don’t worry about it however, it does happen to neatly coincide with my caffeine intake being abruptly cut off.
This brings me to the point of my post. What have I learned from my Coke reducing diet so far about:
- I’m glad I don’t observe Lent any other time. Going without, on purpose, really does suck.
- I wish I would have observed Lent for this. Why? Because I’d get my caffeine back in about 40 days, but with no questions asked by the end of it.
- I never could have been a Mormon. Sorry…I’m just a caffeinated kind of guy. Now I know what Dooce was rebelling from.
And now that I’ve taken one for the team and provided these insightful lessons, I’m going to find some caffeine in the form of liquid coke or copious amounts of chocolate.
Wish me luck.