Fake Traffic and self-important business cards

I ran into an old "acquaintance" this week that I had not seen for about 12 years. We briefly spoke, politely asking about each others kids and current state of life. Then he gave me a business card and said "Keep in touch!"

WTF? After 12 years that's the best you can do? What's the point of that? Why not just say the truth - "see you in another 12, assuming the law of averages works and we randomly cross paths again." In retrospect I think he was trying to impress me with his job title. Good thing I told him I didn't have a card to trade, even though I didn't bother to look to see if I did.

It reminded me of a blog post at Gaping Void that I read back in January:

Most bloggers are assholes, we just pretend to like each other because it's good for traffic.

<start blogging plug> Well said Gaping Void! They have lots of other good things at their site, don't forget to check them out!!! <.end blogging plug>

Putting these 2 together I think I am going to try a social experiment: I'm going to get a bunch of Logical Philosopher business cards printed up with a really important title and start handing them out downtown to all old "acquaintances" I can possibly track down. I will attempt to dupe them with inflated self importance with my firm, SPERTA Management Consulting.

Any takers on joining the experimental firm? I'm going to get business cards printed next week. And yes Sandritia, you will get automatic partner status.

As Napoleon Dynamite would say, this is going to be SWEEET!

Sarah's bum smells nice

Last week on the bus a group of very excitable special education young adults got on. Just then I knew I had good material coming up so I readied my black spiral bound blogging book....and as usual I was not disappointed.

"Ohhh, man, smell this!" the tall lanky one exclaimed as he pulled out a wallet and passed it around to the group. They all huddled round him, eager to catch a whiff, like new puppies clamoring for their mother's milk.

"Yeah, it's gooooood," one said as he grabbed it from Lanky and took a huge sniff. "Where did you get it?" He seemed to sink back into the seat as he closed his eyes, like he had just took a toke from the biggest doobie of his life. It was a Cheech & Chong moment...

"It's Sarah's wallet. Derek asked me to take it back to school because she forgot it at the bowling alley," Lanky noted to the group. "AND she keeps it in her pocket by her BUM!" His face broke into a huge grin as he said the word "bum" as they all snickered in unison.

The next thing I know they were all passing their wallets around, each taking turns smelling them, revelling in the moment. The consensus was Sarah's wallet smelled the best, because it had been by a girl's bum whereas the rest of them were by guys bums, and smelled worse. Except for Jerry, who kept his wallet in the front of his pants.

"Woah, hold up" I thought. I stopped writing at that point. I really didn't want to remember the rest, and trust me, neither would you if you had have been there.

Overheard downtown today

"Hey K, how you doing? You look cute in that outfit!"

"Cute? I was going for more sluttish..."

"Well..."

"I guess that's ok because it's what I wore to work, and I probably should be more cute than sluttish there."

"Yeah, I bet that whole elementary school teacher thing can be a drag sometimes..."

Do your own frickin' work

I now will take a break from my regular posting to provide this educational lecture on university ethics:

Judging by the huge amounts of recent google searches for SABRE Simulation that have shown up this week on my blog, some MBA program out east is using the Simulation in their classes. All those hits pointed to an older post I wrote about Business Simulations and the future of MBA programs, with several of the searches googled on "Sabre Simulation takeaways".

To those that have come here searching for take-away points for your business course: Dude, do your own frickin' work! Searching the internet for answers to a case study is a sure fire way to piss off your classmates.

I had a friend going to Rotman who was doing his MBA at the same time as me. During one particularly crazy week of group case study take-home finals he was lamenting to me that all one of their group members did was surf the net for "answers" to put into their case. He basically wasted the allotted 8 hours emailing friends and googling for online discussion or commentary about the case....and still came back with nothing useful. He was pissed at him for wasting his time when he could have been helping further their assignment. "No future reference for him!" was the phrase that I recall hearing.

I had a similar situation happen to me during my MBA and sure enough, when time came to form groups later on during classes that really mattered, lazy classmates that needed the internet to do their work for them unexpectedly (for them) found themselves without a group and had to do the work on their own. Boy, was he surprised that we didn't want his "help" in our group. He called it "valuable research" but one prof called it "plagiarism".

To my usual readers, regular posting will commence shortly.

To those still looking for MBA case study takeaways, look here.

Costco Scam

The following scam warning was emailed to me this week. Although I don't shop at Costco frequently I found it useful to know about, 'just in case'.

I don't know how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling outof their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way,they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

Man, next time I go to Costco I'm going to pack my wallet with Monopoly money so it looks like a bigger target!

My turn

It's 3:31 am and I am taking a small break from the stomach flu to blog. It's easier this way as I don't have to wake up to get sick, I'm already up so I have a head-start when I get "that feeling". Yes, those extra few seconds do count.

All this time spent hovering over the toilet in the past few hours has given me some time to really think about life & relationships. Somewhat appropriate if you really think about it.

What does it mean to really love someone? you ask. Well, as of last week it was defined as changing sheets on the kids beds and doing laundry at 2am for a formula spewing 1 year old while trying to block out the 3 year olds cries of "my tummy hurts too!". Sounds like parenting, you say. Yes, but there is more that kicked it up a notch to true love. It really exemplifies love and commitment when you're doing that while carefully working around your spouse who is sleeping on the bathroom floor because it's closer to the toilet.

I thought I missed it but guess what, it looks like it's my turn.. uhnnnnng.

Originally I thought the flu had made her delirious but now I know what she meant when she said "This fuzzy bathroom mat doesn't make a comfortable pillow."

Chemicals for kids

After painstakingly emptying, refilling, balancing and testing the water in my hot-tub I used up all the necessary chemicals, and was in need of more. And, because I was near Wal-Mart when I remembered to pickup more, I thought “May as well try there, because they do try to stock everything”. And I was right, but in a really wrong sort of way.

I wasn’t exactly sure where they would be so I enlisted the help of Darcy, the Greeter. She helpfully suggested I try the Housewares Department and said she would take me there herself, but she couldn’t leave the door. Looking about 95 years old I’m also sure she would have needed a walker to leave her post. As I stood there listening to her slow instructions on how to get there all I could wonder was Is this were people go to work when they get a day pass from the old folks home?

Dodging in and out of meandering shoppers I made it to Housewares, where Jill the associate saw me looking slightly helpless and intervened to help out. “Hmm, I think those are in Sporting Goods dearie, try there.” I think this was Darcy’s sister, but must have been the younger one as she was looking much more spry - but definitely on a day pass from the old folks home.

Across on the other side of the store was Sporting Goods Department, so off I trekked. In retrospect should have carbed up for this: I could see finding chemicals in Wal-Mart was turning into a sport. I finally arrived there only after a 6 minute brisk walk. Now I see why Wal-Mart has a McDonalds in the middle of their store: It’s for when their sales associates send you all over the store looking for something and you need a food break just to keep on going. All I could think was Must….save…energy…for…actual…hot-tubbing…

There I was, only for a brief moment, when Marcie the sales associate stepped in to help out. “Pool chemicals? Oh yes, they are in the Toy Department,” she cheerily announced as she pointed back towards another side of the store I had not yet walked through. Argggggg! I stared to think Wal-Mart should change their logo from “Always low prices” to “Come for a walkabout to get low prices”.

“Toy isle?” I asked with some puzzlement in my voice. “Pool chemicals? A grown up pool, not the 3 inch inflatable ones?”. I glanced across the store. Maybe it was going to be a McDonald’s day after all…

“Yes, they are down along the back wall,” she added helpfully.

Bereft of any comfort in the success of my next destination I still decided set off to the Toy Department. Finally, I arrived (after another 6 minute walk) and sure enough, just as Marcie promised there they sat. Nestled between My Little Pony and Star Wars trading cards were the pool chemicals, the corrosive skull and crossbones looking slightly out of place. WTF? I could just see this in a Stephen King novel - you know where the little kids grab the pool chemicals and the My Little Pony dolls, melting them into some mutants that terrorize the Wal-Mart greeters. Or maybe that was a new plot for the forthcoming Gremlins 3 movie Wal-Mart was setting up for.

Can someone please explain that one to me?